Friday, December 12, 2008
Insensitive Or Hurtful Comments
What insensitive or hurtful comments have been made to you since your baby's death and how did you handle them?
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When my boss realized that my daughter's birthday was only a few days away, she looked and me in disgust and said "You're not going to freak out again, are you?". I stated "I don't know, I might!" and walked away. I no longer work there. (3/29/99)
ReplyDeleteSince I had two other boys, I heard comments such as at least you have two other children to love and take care of. One time I told someone, if God said let me take one of yours, which one would you let go of. That made that person give a little more thought to their comment. (3/1/99)
ReplyDeleteMy neighbor, shortly after finding out about my son, had Division of Family Services called on her. Thinking that it was me who had called on her, she made the comment of "why would she want me to loose my child, hers is already dead, so she knows how it feels to loose a child." At first when the comment was made I told her that she had better get out of my house before I kick her butt. Then I realized that would only make matters worse. So I apologized. Now I listen to the comments and say what I think of it then walk away. (5/3/00)
ReplyDeleteI have never had many memories of the first few days surrounding my daughter's death. I think God does that for us because the anguish would be too much to endure. Ironically, although it has been nearly 30 years, I still remember one comment made to me by an uncle when he came to see us at our home on the day after Laura's death. This particular uncle was very religious and had 11 children. As he bent down to give me a kiss and hug, he said to me something along the lines of "how LUCKY I was to already know that one of my children was in heaven". I suppose his heart was in the right place and that he meant well, but I could see nothing "lucky" or good about the death of my beautiful little girl. I was too numb to respond then but even now I still think it was a terrible thing to say. (7/3/99)
ReplyDeleteMy boss told me just six months after Briana passed away, that I just wasn't the same person, and my job skills were suffering. He told me to just let it go and move on. I thought this was extremely insensitive of him, and told him exactly how I felt. People don't always think before they speak, and unless you advise them that they hurt your feelings, and said something that was not appropriate or unkind they will continue to say the same things. Most people just have no idea unless you tell them that their words really hurt you. (6/8/00)
ReplyDeleteI think the most hurtful thing that was said to me was by my mother. She basically said that I should be thankful that my daughter was in a better place now, she was with God. I was furious, I thought she was in a wonderful place being with me!! I realize now my Mom didn't mean it the way it came out but, it still hurt. People can be pretty insensitive when they can't relate to something you are going through. I've always believed if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Also, my Mom said it was silly to visit her grave as much as I did, it's not like she is actually there, she's in heaven. That comment just totally amazed me. My Mom is a wonderful woman, just doesn't always think before she speaks. (1/2/01)
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to a brain aneurysm a little over a year ago. I am still having a hard time. We were married for 38 years and he is my soul mate. I would like to add something to the things people should never say to a grieving person. Over and over again I have been told, 'You are so lucky to have had him for so long.' I know most people mean well but I am broken hearted and I feel that my luck has run out. I cried at work one day shortly after his death and a co-worker said to stop crying because I was lucky to have him and I should be grateful for that.. It was said in a very angry voice. I felt that she didn't think I should grieve because I had my husband for so long. She also told me that she had never had what I had. Frankly it made me very angry for her to tell me things that I already knew. Of course I am very grateful for what I had. Tom was a wonderful person. I feel the more you love someone, the harder recovery is. I do not think it is fair when a person can barely hang on to compare your own life with theirs. It is not my fault that my co-worker didn't have what I had. I don't mean to sound so angry but I thought maybe if I wrote this down I could let go of it. I would far rather have people say nothing than say the wrong thing. A grieving person is vulnerable and easily hurt. Any one who is in doubt as to what to say, just say I am sorry and never tell them how lucky they are. No one would say this to someone that lost a child even if the child is older. No one said it about my brother who died of lung cancer at 48. It seems that people only say how lucky you are for having the person so long if it is a spouse or an elderly parent. (1/17/07)
ReplyDeleteAfter my son died, I ran into a co-worker at a local store who I hadn't seen since my son's funeral. She told me that he was in a better place. I asked how he could be in a better place when the best place he could be was with me? He's in the next best place he could be, but the best place for any child is with his or her parents. (2/21/07)
ReplyDeleteAfter my son passed away I had family members tell me to give all my son's stuff to a family member that was soon expecting! When I said that I am not ready to give up my son's stuff (crib, car seat, clothes, toys etc.) they said to me many hurtful comments.
ReplyDeleteI had one person say you don't need to have another child, three is enough. Another one said you can't replace your son by having another child. First of all, I have not even thought about having another baby or not having another baby....I am just not ready to give away MY SON'S STUFF. Is that a crime?
And about saying that I couldn't replace my son with another baby. You don't think that I already know that! I KNOW THAT MY SON IS NOT REPLACEABLE.... WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT I WOULD TRY TO DO SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SO UNREALISTIC! How stupid do you really think I am?
My son passed away from SIDS at just 27 days. My husband’s Aunt (Who didn't even come to our son's funeral) said to my husband that she has seen a picture of the family after the funeral that people took. We smiled for the picture. So she said to us, “I am glad to see that you are taking your son's death well .... I don't think I would have taken it as well as you two but you also didn't have much time to bond with your child.”
ReplyDeleteI smiled for a picture..... That doesn't mean that I am taking it well. She wasn't at the doctors with me the day before when I had a break down and my doctor put me on meds. Yes I did and still do have a bond with my baby. He wasn't only 27 days old to me. I felt like I knew him forever and I miss him deeply.
The most hurtful comment I heard since my baby died was, “Everything happens for a reason and that I might not see the reason now but in time I will see!” What the heck could the reason be to take my child away from me and I truly don't think time will make me see any good about my baby's death!
ReplyDeleteWell, my son passed away not to long ago from SIDS. Also my parents passed away at an early age. I got comments from my grandma, “You well get over this because you got though your parents’ passing’s.” Well my parents’ passing was hard but losing my son wasn't the same. My parents lived their life. Yes, they didn't died of old age but they still had a life! My parents had a childhood, full in love, got married, had children and even got to see one of their grandchildren before passing. My son will never do any of those things and I have to sit here and wonder what he would have looked like, been like or become!
ReplyDeleteI remember how mad my family was that my sister took my children to her house and I didn't keep them with me! They kept saying that your children need you right now. They need to be with you! I knew I wasn't able to give them the care they needed at that time. I couldn't even take care of myself. I needed to deal with myself and my feelings before I could help my children with their feelings! They only stayed at my sister’s house for a week. I talked to them every day. What was wrong with that! Now she is saying that sending them away that week is why they are acting up now! Well I don't believe that. I think maybe they are acting up because they lost their brother and don't understand why he died when he was so young!
ReplyDeleteJust today I was told I just needed to get over the death of my son. I'm 17..I was nine months when he passed away. My son was stillborn...but he was still born. I told her, "Why don't you try holding a 6 pound lifeless baby in your arms! You don't just get over it!" I love my son and I am grateful for the nine months I got to spend with him. You never tell a grieving parent to just get over the death of their child even if the child didn't take a breath. He had to be alive in order to die. He lived and died inside of me. He was my son..she told me it was annoying how I talked about him all the time! How heartless can you be!
ReplyDeleteMy husband's step-mother told me, the day after our daughter of 13 days died, that "Isabella probably had breathing problems" (since she kind of squeaked when she cried). I remember throwing my head towards her and saying "No! she was perfect!" and ignored her for the rest of the day. Some people just don't think that they have to watch what they say.
ReplyDeleteOur son Colton made his way to Heaven a month and a half ago and one of my favorite hurtful things that people have said to us is, “You guys are young. You can always have more kids.” Yes we are young. I'm 24, but do you people really think that having more kids is going fix or change anything? I could have 100 more kids, but no one will ever replace our sweet Colton or make the pain I feel and my longing to hold him, hear his laugh, and see his smile. I will for as long as I live miss him and wish he were still here!
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is when people say that you are a strong person and you can make it through, you will get over this. First, I'm not strong. I'm at a time of extreme weakness. Second, I will never, ever get over this. I am forever changed because of this. Yes, I may be able function as a normal human at some point but I will never be over this.
im try to make it trough but am findin it really hard beause i feel they are ingnoring it s make in me angery because i dont see why they should live
ReplyDelete